Venting

I know 100% that there is something wrong with me. All I see are my failures. I feel very low in confidence right now. I can't stop dissing myself.

I was planning to ramble about what is causing me to be depressed but...

I don't want to share with others because I want to learn how to trust and rely on God.

the Source Code

I watched a movie last night. During the day, I debated whether I should go to the movie or not. I eventually went, because my dad already got me a movie coupon thing so I decided not to waste it.

When I arrived, Bi.Leung was already there. We chatted about our trips to HK (which reminds me that I need to write her a plane letter). I'm really excited to go to HK :) I can't wait to outreach!!

Anyway...

Other people arrived and we bought our tickets and we went to watch the movie "The Source Code". I think the idea of the movie was pretty cool but the whole idea of watching movies felt different from before. I think if I went to watch the same movie last year, I would've thought the movie was pretty awesome. However, I didn't enjoy the event last night.

I felt like God was speaking last night during the movie. I felt Him saying something but I didn't understand. I started praying during the movie so that He would reveal Himself in someway. I just felt more Jesus hungry.

I'm not finding peace in my heart right now...I want more of Jesus.

Dangg...feel like crying and I don't know why...

Luke 10: 20-24

Read Luke 10:1-24 last night

verses that spoke to me:

"However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

(Luke 10: 20)

I wonder what I'm rejoicing in...

"At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do."

(Luke 10: 21)

I'm a lil' child :) When I went to the Freshwind Conference, one of the people who prophesied over me saw me holding on to God's hand. I thought the image he saw was kind of funny because he said that I was really tiny and just holding on to God's hand but the top part of His body extended up to the sky and you couldn't see where His head ended.

"“All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows who the Son is except the Father, and no one knows who the Father is except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.”"

(Luke 10: 22)

Jesus chose me :)

"Then he turned to his disciples and said privately, “Blessed are the eyes that see what you see. For I tell you that many prophets and kings wanted to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.”"

(Luke 10: 23-24)

I don't know what I see and I don't know what I heard.

I feel very God hungry right now. I want to know Him more but I feel like I don't know Him at all. I want to know how to seek Him. AHHH...this is difficult xP

Lost in Confusion

I'm so confused...I watched this video called "the Fire" recently and I don't understand how to live anymore. I don't know how to seek Jesus either. I don't how to do it so I just sit and stare at the ceiling or the wall for the longest time ever. I wish Jesus would just reveal stuff to me...or maybe He is revealing stuff but I'm blind so I can't see...

I'm going to go worship and sing Hosanna until my Spiritual eyes and ears are opened to Him.

Luke 8:16-18

"No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Those who have will be given more; as for those who do not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them."

(Luke 8:16-18)

I think this passage is really interesting because Jesus is telling me that there is nothing that can be hidden. Therefore, the Gospel will always be revealed. Everyone will hear it somehow. However, the outcome of what you hear is different. You can either accept it and live by it or you could reject it.

Jesus tells us that if we do listen to His Gospel He will give us more. I want to live by His Gospel. I want Him to give me more of the Holy Spirit. I want to walk by the Spirit everyday! I'm going to try to listen to God more and seek Him more desperately.

Those who don't live by Him will have everything taken away. This is so true! This is because those who don't live by Him probably thing that they have everything right now. However, when judgement day comes or when death approaches, they will realize that they have nothing at all.

HK Prayer Requests

I have a few prayer requests before flying to Hong Kong. They are, pray for my grandma, pray for my uncle's family and pray for the gift of tongues.

1. My grandma is very old and she has not accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour yet. She has a lot of medical problems and is blind. She isn't opened to religion and she doesn't believe in one. I believe that she is carrying a lot of burdens in her life because she said she suffered a lot during her life time. I hope you pray for God to have mercy on her and change her hardened heart for a softened Christ loving heart. I would like you to pray for the gift of healing so that her eyes will see physically and spiritually.

2. My uncle, his name is Addison, has went to a specific fortune teller for many years. He said that the things the fortune teller tells him is very accurate and true. We know that fortune telling is the opposite of the gift of prophesy. Fortune tellers are able to place curses or demonic slavery in the family. I want you to pray for the protection of my entire family and that in Jesus name that all the demons in the family will be binded and cast away. I also want to pray in Jesus name that all the curses that have been placed on the family will be uplifted.

I want to pray for my Uncle's family to accept Jesus Christ is Lord and Saviour. I want to pray for their family to see that Jesus is EVERYTHING.

I also want to pray for the fortune teller. I pray that the demons inside of him/her will be cast away in Jesus name and that they will come to Christ because He is the Almighty God and not Satan and his comrades.

3. Finally, I want to pray for the gift of tongues. There was a story of a woman in America who never met a Chinese person before. When she accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Saviour, the Holy Spirit filled her and she began to speak in tongues. She only spoke and wrote Chinese for three days. My Chinese isn't that well but I pray that God will give me the gift of tongues to speak and write in Cantonese for the whole month of May so that I may share His Gospel with the lost souls in Hong Kong.

Cold Call [Day 1]

I was cold calling today with E.Lo. It was a perfect time to spend time with God because E.Lo was on the other side of the street, so I was by myself. It was raining today...so BEAUTIFUL! I love to hear the rain patter on my umbrella.

anyway...

I was spending a lot of time in worship and prayer and meditation when I was handing out flyers for Dream Boy's business. There is a lot that you can see or notice from looking at people's houses. You can see if the family has children or elderly people. You can see if there are people in the house who are handicapped. You can see which cultural group the people were from. You can also see what religion they believe in.

There were a lot of houses that were very pretty (physically) but very much broken (spiritually). There were some houses with gargoyles on it or little demonic like statue creatures that were decorated on the wall of the house. When I saw them, I got quite scared...why would people have those kinda stuff on their house. I would totally freak out! There were also houses that were probably inhabited with Chinese people because they had one of those Chinese temples outside or those Chinese fortune banners or Chinese charm things hanging or stuck on the doors outside. There was one house that I prayed for and felt a very chilly feeling from. When I was leaving the doorstep of the house I felt something grabbing hold of my leg. I prayed about it in Jesus' name and it went away. Finally, there were houses where there were ashtrays outside on the porch.

I kept on questioning myself when I passed by each house, "Who is Lord of this house?"

I prayed for most of these households. It was a great way to pray for the community. I'm going to be doing more of this tomorrow. Continue praying...

Jesus told me...

He said I was beautiful and that I should stop striving to be perfect.
He said that He wanted me to find joy in Him.
He said that I will help lead UWCCF

...interesting

Being Merciful

I'm reading the book of Luke currently:

Luke 6:27-36

The verse that really convicted my heart was:

36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Jesus was merciful, but I am not merciful at all. I judge consciously and subconsciously. Jesus was compassionate for the lowest of the low. He didn't hesitate to help those who appeared ugly or socially not in place. These people were considered unworthy of sympathy. We are like these people too. Even though our sins don't seem as worse, we still have sin. We are unworthy of this gentleness. I am unworthy of this mercy.

I am like the leper. I am like the prostitute. I am like the widow. I am like the dead child. I am like the crying father. I am like the lost mother. I am like the shriveled handed man. I am like the blind. I am like the weak. I am like the demon possessed. I am like the pharisee. I am like the tax collector.

I am diseased. I am adulterous. I am alone. I am dead. I am mourning for the dead. I am lost for my own desires. I am unable to do anything. I can't see. I can't breathe. I have idols. I judge. I am greedy.

but...He has mercy upon me.

He sees His own righteousness through me.

So who am I to judge? Who am I not to have mercy on?

If Jesus is merciful on me and I DO NOT deserve it, then do I deserve to NOT be merciful to others? To answer the rhetorical question, I believe no. Hence, I should be more merciful and love His people and His children.

How to do this? I have no idea but I'm going to pray about it and really think about W.W.J.D.

The other parts of the passage made me think about non-Christians and the antichrist. It makes me think about praying for those who aren't nice to you. It makes me think about praying for Lady Gaga.

30-31 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Sometimes people ask me to help them with homework, assignments, learning something, cooking or meeting up. Most of the time I would choose to not help them, subconsciously, but then help them, consciously, but with complains or grumbling. These two verses reminded me of another previous verse that I read in the Bible:

"those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep"

(1 Corinthians 7:30)

I don't know if I am interpreting the verse correctly but God told me through this verse that all that I have is simply a blessing but not mine. Hence, I should share my blessings and not ask for returns if someone asks me for it. I should be less selfish and rejoice when others ask me to share my blessings.

Blah...and my tongue has problems too. I say too much bad stuff or secrets that I shouldn't say. I think I'm better with pen and paper or typing. haha even though I'm not the best writer...

This is my first step to strive to be more like Jesus

I get scared easily...

I got scared of a lot of things recently and these are the few things:

1. Sleep paralysis

I did not have a fun experience yesterday when I was taking a nap. I dream I was having was pretty good. It was really happy I remember running around in the sunlight then suddenly I was in a shower room and I realized that my dream was becoming sinful. The two people around me told me that it was okay to be seeping into sin. I knew it was wrong so I told myself to wake up from my dream. I did and I felt the arm that was around my neck, in the dream, upon my neck when I woke up. I tried getting up from the bed but it pushed me down further. I tried a couple of times more but each time I tried to get up, the arm would get tighter. I then heard a voice. It was very manly. He asked, "Do you want to go back to the grave?" then he made a menacing evil laugh. It sounded like "Muhahahaha". I started praying and trusted that Jesus would get me out of the situation. After I prayed, I took a deep break through my mouth and I got up. I went into K.Lam's room and told her what happened and thanked God.

This experience made me think about where I was with God. Am I walking with Him or not? Am I focused on Him or not? When I was studying later, I reflected and concluded that I wanted His Love more than any other. I want to seek and receive His Love more than any other.

Last night, I couldn't sleep because of what happened during the morning. I had to sleep with the lights on...

2. Lady Gaga's Judas song

So scary. it doesn't make any sense. I felt struck with fear when I read the lyrics to the song. I'm so scared for the people who either listen to it or read the lyrics and liked it. I feel like there is a building or growing generation for the antichrist. This leads to my next fearful point...

3. Responses to Lady Gaga's Judas

There was a girl that made a video on her response to the Judas song. I did not completely agree with her video response on youtube because some of the stuff she said was Biblically incorrect. However, there were many responses to her video and they were all gung-ho for Lady Gaga. They were making fun of that girl who said Lady Gaga was "evil". They all defended Lady Gaga. It is so scary to see how many video responses there were to the girl's response. It really shows the antichrist generation expanding.

I was praying for Lady Gaga the other night and then I got a nightmare...

Lady Gaga is scary [period] The end.

I feel like I'm so far away from Him.

I think it is time to refocus on Him.

Talking to Myself

This probably won't make sense... I failed at not going on blogger...i guess it is because i can't seem to study stats right now..AIYA total fail...T ^ T anyway.... I was just reading j.lam's blogpost and it made me think of myself. Danggg...my Spirit is saying "Go!" but my flesh and heart is saying "Hold back!". I feel like my sinful mind and flesh is giving me sinful thoughts and discouragement. AHHHH...why is my confidence so low? why do i feel afraid? This is a pain in the butt... = 3=" ...back to studying... haha i'm a chicken...

Soup Kitchen

I went to soup kitchen today. It was very interesting...I see that there are more men there than women. My heart broke for those people there. I felt like crying for them. I wanted to share the Gospel with them but we weren't allowed to evangelize to them.

Today, B.Leung ('92) and I were serving yogurt, fruit and cutlery to the people. After we served, we had the opportunity to eat lunch with the people that came to the soup kitchen. We sat with two men. One was called Peter, the other Mark. I wanted to start talking to them about the Bible immediately because both of their names were from the Bible. However, I had to control my tongue since we weren't allowed to share the Gospel. Peter was a senior aged person. I don't think he is homeless but he lives off pension.

Peter told us a lot about his past occupation experiences and how he lost them. I felt bad for him because it was university students that made him lose his job once. He said that he thought I was Japanese. haha and how he couldn't differentiate between the Chinese people and the Japanese people and all the other Asians.

Soon after, he started reading the newspaper. He commented about everything on the first page of the paper. He started talked about the nuclear contamination in Japan and how it would affect the water in the ocean. He talked about the food supply and how it would decrease due to this problem. He said that the water will spread and affect Vancouver. When he said that I was thinking about the book of Revelations. I think it said that 1/10 or was it 1/4 of the water on the earth would be contaminated. Wow...a greater sign that Jesus is coming back soon. (Dangg...when I was typing this I felt something flow back and forth through my body...)

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I was thinking about outreach and this soup kitchen. I have more ideas for next year's outreach ministry. I hope the ministry turns out okay because committee was thinking about scrapping the ministries during the last membership meeting. It was disappointing to hear that....

Patterning and 1 Corinthians

So many different patterns are affecting me again...AUGHH...I really dislike when you think you conquered sin but it comes back again to attack you. I really don't like this pattern thing = 3="

Here are some:

- not feeling like studying

- sleeping late + naps

- not feeling like praying

- idolatry

haiz...I feel so weak right now...

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I mad read 1 Corinthians last night. I think God is telling me that I know too much but I don't do anything with it. Moreover, I have knowledge and might cause people to stumble because of my own sin. I need to stop being complacent and start fighting my sin.

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i don't know how to study...

Satan, Suffering and Christianity as a whole

I didn't know that Satan wouldn't want you to suffer. I thought he would want you to suffer so that you would flop on God. I guess he knows that through suffering we persevere in Jesus and we draw closer to Him. Quite interesting...

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Another thing that the Holy Spirit taught me this weekend was that Christianity is the truth. This is because we don't make our own salvation. We need mercy and grace and love to have salvation. Jesus had this all. He chooses us to be His children and He loves us since He died on the cross. He has mercy and grace on us so that we would soften our hearts and be convicted by the Holy Spirit. Religions based on "deeds leading to salvation" show that if your good deeds are greater than your bad deeds then you will enter the kingdom of god. However, if you are the one controlling your deeds and your salvation, what is the purpose of God? Aren't you God yourself? Sins can only be paid off by death. It is not by what you do or do not do. READ Romans 6:23 When someone murders another, in a society setting, we wouldn't let this crime pass by lightly. We wouldn't let volunteering in the community or some sort of good deed cover up this murder. This crime stays on our permenant record for life. I don't think the punishment for the crime would be light either. I think this person would have to have jail sentence for the rest of their life. This is like sin, it cannot be covered by good deeds. It is something that stains us for life and instead of a life sentence in jail we would receive a life sentence in hell. And what about internal sin? You can't do good and cover that since it is inside your heart. It isn't something you do.

Visitors

I'm really thankful that I have the opportunity to hang out with my cousin this weekend. It was really sweet of him to come and visit even though it was his birthday this weekend. He has changed a lot, physically, since I last saw him. However, he is the same socially. I don't really know about spiritually. I never chatted with my cousin about his spiritual life before. I hope God blesses me with the opportunity to talk to him.

I'm really happy that my cousin came : )

We had dinner today at Mirage. It is in one of the university plazas. We were going to go to a CCF dinner at ESM at first but the place was all booked up so the location changed to Pizza Hut. I'm thankful that the location changed because we would've went to dine with CCF and we wouldn't have been able to have the conversation we had tonight about evangelism and sharing.

God really blessed the conversation we had tonight (Thanks for answering our prayers)

I'm really thankful that God has allowed me to meet my long lost classmate too, T. Yung. It was really cool to see how he is passionate about God. We never talked to each other when we were in kindergarten to 1st grade but we're able to bond now and share about our spiritual growth.

Haiz...God works in amazing ways...

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I've been thinking lately about serving...